Why am I so controlling? I want the say over how my day is going to go; on how I will spend my time; on when I will interact with others. Yes, I am being serious. I, I, I, I, I, Me, Me, Me, Me. This is no way to live — except that when I try to go with the flow I get really tense. I mean REALLY tense. It is fear. But what I am afraid of I do not know.
My life is good. I have just enough money to cover rent, internet, phone, medication, hygiene, dish and laundry supplies and some food for both me and my adult son. We are better off than most of the world. Rarely any extras or treats but covered with the necessities.
I volunteer a couple days a week at my church, in the office. I work with the staff there and they are all very nice, very real, very down to earth, very helpful pleasant people. How many people can say they spend their days in that atmosphere? Not a lot these days.
My son WANTS to spend time with me daily. Like 3-6 hours daily. Many children in their 20’s (and beyond) are too busy to be with their parents or even call a couple times a week let alone hang out daily.
I have a few hours a day to do what I want with: to read, to work on my blog & networking, to nap even. I have way more time to myself than MANY / MOST people have to themselves.
Yet, life with others involves compromises. Timetables are up for negotiation. I do not get to just come and go whenever I want. And after living alone, or with an independent partner, for the last 10 years…it takes a lot of inner adjustment on my part.
But why do I have to control everything? Aside from my volunteering and services, and an occasional meet up with a friend… I am not bound to a schedule. So why must I create one and then get upset when others tap into it. Wouldn’t it just be easier to go with the flow, knowing that everything in my daily planner always gets done? So who cares at what time of day it gets done?
Where does this control come from? This fear that I will not get MY stuff done?
Is it just habit from 10 years of high independence? Is it our culture of wanting to be in control of our own lives? “I should be able to ______. I am an adult. I don’t have to answer to anyone.”
I believe that some of it is cultural independence. But some of it is my personality. I am an INTJ/P on Meyers Briggs and a 5 wing 6 on Enneagram. Very independent.
But I wish I could more easily go with the flow. If I just gave my day to God and went with it my days would probably be much better. Yet as I prayed to do that today I cringed!
What are your thoughts? Are you fiercely independent or more go with the flow? Is it by nature or discipline? Please share in the comments.