Chasing, striving, rush, pressure, hurry!

What a way to start my morning! UGH- and to think it does this everyday unconsciously in rapid succession.

The alarm went off at 5 as usual. But I laid there and dozed until after 6am. I eventually got up and did a couple things and sat down to start my day before my 6:30 walk.

My head raced.

So many ideas (some good, some needed, some out of the blue, some total off beat distractions) raced through my mind competing to see what I would actually do first.

I do not have a morning routine down right now. I just recently broke my sleep into 2 sections so I could be accessible to family members in between. What started out as a necessary 5 am wake up has now drifted into “just because it was agreed to.” The only thing I am regularly doing is my 6:30am walk for 45 minutes. But the time before that and after that, until work, change with the wind based on my moods, whims, and the requests from my son.

I feel like I am wasting a couple hours being unfocused and unorganized.

I will get home from work (I only go to work for 3-6 hours a day), deal with what is needed at home, run errands, do therapy on Wednesday, and before I know it I have been up 12 hours and am looking at the first shift of sleep.

Three hours later, I spend a while waking up. Again I have many choices in what to do with my time. I have only 4 hours til I need to lay down and try to get another 4.5 hours of sleep in…so that I can do it all over again.

That is how my life has been going since I adjusted my sleep schedule.

It is bit hazy and definitely unfocused.

This morning, with my mind swirling, I was grasping to decided what “should” be done, what was “most important”, how to set the tone for the day.

I closed my eyes. I realized that with all these thoughts going through my head I had not even prayed to say “hello” to God let alone be grateful for waking up…and I certainly had not asked Him what I should do with my time.

So, like I said, I closed my eyes and went into prayer. As I lay out “options” to handle and do — I became aware how much of it was ME driven and how much of it was performance based. I became aware that with all the minor “to-do’s” done I would still not feel accomplished, worthy and important. And apparently, these three feelings are ones I am chasing frequently throughout each day from sun up to sun down.

It struck me how when I am on a retreat I do not chase those feelings. In fact, they are irrelevant. I bask in the feeling and sensation of being close to God and being loved by Him. That is enough at a retreat. That is everything I need and want. I am well satisfied.

Years ago, for decades, I wanted to be a retreat speaker and possibly live and work a retreat center year round. I wanted that close feeling with God where the pressures and stress of the everyday “things” was not on my radar daily. It felt unreasonable to reach for. After all who was I to have such a wonderful “stress free” focused life? That is probably why it went know where but to the land of unchased dreams.

Yet here I was again reminded of that desire. I was reminded that life can be actually WONDERFUL and fulfilling without chasing the wind.

So why? Why do I start my morning each day with a couple cups of adrenaline (coffee/caffeine/stressful lists of to-do’s) jolting me away from the peace of slumber and into harshness where I never measure up?

Is it an American thing? GO GO GO! DO DO DO! And if so– why have I adopted it?

Chasing, striving, rush, pressure, hurry!