Have you ever (probably) opened the Bible just to see what your eyes fall upon?

After a LONG day yesterday that was filled with: church, fellowship, a 12 step book study followed by a regular discussion meeting, chores, reading other materials…. I opened randomly to Numbers 30.

In this passage Moses is addressing the Israelites on (being careful of) the vows they make to God. They are binding.

(There are SOME provisions in which a woman’s vows can be overturned but RARELY in 2026 and beyond in Western Culture would those apply)

It took me back to 1993.

I had walked away from the church THE FIRST TIME in 1988 out of the total hypocrisy and counsel to the opposition of scripture within the Denomination I had been raised. I was studying to be a minister and my professors were joking about slavery and racism ( at an East Coast Christian College). Another professor was the sponsor of a frat house with blatant drugging of women during roaring parties. (this is early days of the date rape drugs being used on college campuses). And finally, after leaving that campus and returning home to CA one semester later, a well liked pastor told me and my then boyfriend that “our denomination does not take up an issue or side with pre-marital sex” ….WHAT???!!!!

Bitter, disillusioned.,, I threw not only “the baby out with the bathwater.”.. I rageously tore up the whole tub and shower and cast it out!!!! I walked away from not just the Denomination but Jesus and God too.

Summer (July-ish) 1993 I found myself one night on my knees on my bed saying “Lord if you can take a person like ______ who has done EVERYTHING I have AND MORE, and turn it so his whole life is about YOU— THAT is what I want! I just don’t know how to get there.”

Back to 2026… Have I kept that promise? No. ………In fact, there are times I was heavily immersed in ministry (professionally and voluntarily) but My WHOLE life was NOT about HIM.

I ABSOLUTELY meant my vow in 1993 and I want it again in 2026.

But I absolutely was wrong in what that looked like.

I got caught up in American Christianity with all its ideology.
I convinced myself that participation in ministry and service (inside or outside the church) was fulfilling my vow. That is false!

While reading and pondering Numbers 30, I had a revelation….while I did do a lot of “personal time with God” it was WAY less than public time (before others, to be helpful, to be seen in a good light).

Now NOT all of what I did was to look good or even be seen. I am NOT saying that at all. But on the scales— my time with God, focused on God, getting to know God, was seriously out weighed by “ministry in action” (the doing and achieving of things for the kingdom).

I am only speaking of MY vow.
You have your own vows perhaps…OR… maybe you were prudent to not make a vow and instead take each day as they come.

As I lay on my bed last night ideas came to my head:
* How many more years and decades do I have to actually live out my vow (with this new insight) (impossible to know).
* ideas A, B, C, etc on how to do it.
UGH….there I go again…. Thinking of ministry options NOT simply focusing my life ON God.

For me there is a difference. AND I have learned that in the last few weeks thru watching “Christians” be interviewed by others regarding their lives. Some are so humble bragging about results (ministry opportunities and completion, stats and status). YES it is impressive!!! Yes our culture feeds right into it: Americans want big platforms with lots of results and attention, praise and awe…(even if we have to alter the true gospel so it appeals to more people).

Then I watched an interview of a pastor who has only in the last few years gone viral but has been preaching and shepherding for over a decade. He was SO amazingly TRULY humble and focused on God. NOT pointing out his stats but rather the grit, and the truth of the road, yet his determination to stay faithful to the word and HIS vow.

His vow is NOT my vow. But it caught my attention and flipped the switch in me when I read Numbers 30.

All this to say, I still don’t know what I will be doing with this blog or my business that is on hold.

God – the creator and Father of Jesus Christ, through the extension of His Holy Spirit
(not a god of my own creation and understanding)
got my attention last night. He did not chastise me. He did not threaten my salvation. And, I believe if I choose to not take heed of the message for the remainder of my life — like Numbers says…I will be accountable still. Although, I do not know what that will look like either.

If you pray– add one in for me: For clarity, guidance, wisdom (knowledge put to its rightful use for the good) and an open mind/heart with willingness to obey.

Until Next Time~
Blessings, Kate